Less irritated today

Okay, I totally should not mention this, but I bought some new bras for Christmas and MAN I am so less irritated about life today! Okay, it's only 8am, but still, it is so freeing not to have to pull up stretched out bra straps every couple of minutes while trying to load the dishwasher, wipe syrup off little faces, do a load of laundry, and the various other motherly tasks. My poor intimate apparel had suffered greatly over the past 4 years, as I've settled for nursing bras and stretched out my normal bras through 3 pregnancies. No lie, my bras had totally unraveled, and the little bit of fabric holding them together were just about on the brink of totally disintegrating. Shopping for bras, for me, is equivalent to getting blood drawn. I hate needles and the site of blood and so it goes for bra shopping. Anyway, after trying on about 50 bras, going in and out of the dreaded dressing room with bundles of different sizes (oh how our bodies change as we age!), I finally found the perfect fitting bras to make my life easier (and more supported)! It is so exciting to have one less irritation in my day...no more falling bra straps! Yea!

I'm only on chapter 1, but this book totally ROCKS!

This book I'm reading is totally rocking my world, even though I'm only on page 4. I'm reading How Children Raise Parents by Dan Allender. He honestly admits that parenting is the most "haunting and holy experience" of his life. I'm just going to quote since I can't even begin to process the depth of what I've read so far or how it's convicting me, but also giving me hope and a place to lay my failures:

"The doorway to knowing ourselves and God is often found in a relationship with someone who is dependent on our care. In such a relationship of need, we face how much we are given to give away to others as well as how often we do not give all that we have. It is that disparity between the potential and the actual that can break our hearts. I have so much; I give so little. There is no relationship on earth in which we are called to be more noble and to sacrifice more deeply than with our children. And our hearts are pierced more profoundly in that failure to give all than they are in perhaps any other relationship.

Why is this good news? Because no other arena in life holds us more hostage to hope, more afraid to dream, more defensive about our decisions, and more open to receive help--all simultaneously. The intensity and passion of parenting bring the potential not only for our worst, but also for our very best as human beings. It is the space in our lives where we are most open to the work of God to change us--if we will only allow our children to lead us into spiritual maturity."

Wow...he goes on to say that his one desire for the book is that "we will fall more in love with our children and with the God who shows himself to be the divine, all-loving Parent whom we all hunger for." I am praying that for myself and my husband and our friends. I pray for the heart to be intentional instead of constantly on auto-pilot...just going through the motions of my day and my life--I'm praying I'd wake up and have the hunger for the Lord to change me and my children. May we all know His amazing love and grace as we celebrate His birth in a few days. Merry Christmas!

Wild Wild Mads and a Lollipop

My sweet laid-back baby has suddenly sprouted into a crab-crawling/climbing whirlwind (yes, she's still crawling at almost 15 months!). I can not turn my back for an instant on this child. If she's not sneaking quick snacks of kibble and bits from the dog bowl, she's swinging from the chandelier--no joke! After lunch today, I left her alone in the kitchen to put a movie on for the boys. When I returned to the kitchen, I found MG sitting on top of the kitchen table laughing and swinging the chandelier back and forth! Aaaah! I couldn't figure out how she got up there. When I later talked to K, he said I needed to push all the chairs under the table to make sure she doesn't have a way to climb up to the table. I thought I had been doing that, but I went back to make sure all the kitchen chairs were pushed snugly under the table. Later tonight, I ran back to gather dirty clothes for a load of laundry...when I returned, MG had vanished into thin air. The boys didn't know where she was and I searched all the bedrooms to no avail. I could not find the child anywhere and I had just been gone a second! I went back down the hall to check the bedrooms again and heard MG crying in the direction of the kitchen...I ran back to the kitchen but she was not there. She was still crying and I followed the trail of her voice to under the table...and voila...our sweet child!

Today has been a big day--she also experienced her first sucker! She will not stand for being left out when big brothers have a treat! She was so cute that I had to snap some pics!

Having it all together

Must all my blogs be about weariness!? Trust me, I have some totally joyful moments in my days, but I seem to be compelled to write when my face is totally absent of even a half-smile. My kids could surely vouch for the fact that Mommy has had a "sad heart" today...yes, I'm a bit fussy and whiny today! It's easy for me to quickly blame it on the jitters from two cups of coffee this morning or a baby that woke me at 5:30am or a husband who is on a business trip for 9 days (can anyone say Swiss Alps!?...no, I'm not bitter!) Sure, all those things impact my mood, but ultimately it bogs down to my unbelief that God is here with me in the midst of chaos and real life --unbelief that He could possibly change a spirited 4-year old who wakes up with his every little footstep full of defiance! The same God has ordained the 2-year old to have a tantrum at the bathroom door while Mommy takes a shower and the 1-year old to freak out at the exact same time. No matter how I try to shield my boys from seeing me indecent (or should I just say it, NAKED) it seems they always need me when I'm getting dressed (terry cloth robes really do work wonders!)

In the middle of breakfast, my poor husband called to let me know he arrived overseas safely, but because it costs $1.29 a minute, he quickly told me to hang up and run and check my email where he sent me his hotel phone number, so I could call him back from our home phone. Well, the blasted phone number wouldn't go through every single time I tried it (at least 2 million) and the operator couldn't help me and kids were wanting breakfast and the dog was howling and I was losing my mind. I finally found the country and city area codes on the internet (I don't know how I remembered Bregenz, Austria!). So, when my dear husband and I finally talked this morning, it was less than pleasant-- we were, needless to say, very frustrated and rushed - not the picture of marital harmony!

It is so easy to throw a pity-party for myself and dive straight into a big bowl of martyrdom! Sin seems to lead to more sin for me! Oh how I wish it were simple to be a mom and wife. Speaking of how well things went at my house this morning, a sweet neighbor made a comment to me recently that had me awake and thinking at 3:45am. She casually mentioned that she had been talking to another neighbor about me and my kids and was telling the other neighbor what a great mom I was and how my children were always so clean (that struck me as a funny comment and has me chuckling now that I'm actually typing that out-- especially since my children are lucky to get a bath every other day, but it's good to know that they "appear" clean to others). Anyway, she commented that they also were always dressed so cute (what mother doesn't want their children to be on top of their game with materialism and fashion?, such a fine character quality). The gist of her conversation was basically that I "had it all together" so to speak. Part of me felt really prideful as I listened to her because I really did want to pretend that my children were always clean. And, I also thought it'd be fun to pretend that I always have it together too! ;-) However, I felt the Lord tugging at my heart as she talked, and by the sheer grace of God, my response to my precious neighbor was that I most certainly do not have it all together and that I need the Lord for every single minute.

It wasn't until 3:45am this morning, however, that I was struck to the core of my being by my neighbor's seemingly innocent comments. I found myself waking up with tears rolling down my cheeks asking myself what I had done to portray my life as a picture of perfection. I feel like I'm always frazzled when I see this particular neighbor --because she's walking her dog in the street and my kids, of course, want to run into the street (what better place to play?) Our conversations are normally interrupted about a billion times by questions about what imaginary animal is hiding in the bushes to be killed, why dogs wag their tails, and other 4-year old questions. Our friendly talk is typically cut short by me finally pinning down the little tantrum banshee (pet name for my 2-year old because he screams like a banshee) and throwing him over my shoulder as I rush into the house in embarrassment, waving and yelling "goodbye."

Well, as I drove away from my house this morning (the kids were with a sitter), I was so rattled by my thoughts-- feeling sad my husband is gone so long and I didn't really get to talk to him, my sin with the kids this morning, my neighbor's comments replaying over and over again. I honestly was spiraling into despair and unbelief. In the midst of my pity-party, I felt the Lord speaking to me-- the things my neighbor sees in the middle of the kids' tantrums, disobedience, and my disheveled appearance is not that I have it all together, but that He is in me and at work. Whatever good she sees, is of Him and not of me. On the good days when the kids are playing well together, I should be thanking Him for His grace and for the sweet moment instead of asking in frustration "why can't it be like this all the time!?" I 'm so thankful He's involved in the intimate details of my life. Where would I be if I didn't have hope? Remembering His love for me and His work in me, I was so encouraged. He is so big and mighty and shows up in me and through me in the midst of real life. I'm so glad I'm not left to scramble through this world on my own, because I most certainly can't do it...I will never have it all together. The beauty is He's already lived the perfect life for me and I can rest and trust and hope...day after day.